wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
