worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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