He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
