You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
