3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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