Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
