why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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