Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Randomize
