i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
