my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
