Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
