Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
