I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize