I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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