pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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