She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
