My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
