I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
