im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
