You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
