I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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