Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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