Only a mothe r could love this liver
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize