The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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