Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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