how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
