I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
