why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
