I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
