Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize