You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
