You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Randomize
