I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
