I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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