11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
