Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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