He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it's like iHOP with fire
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
