He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
