So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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