Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
