I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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