So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
