Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
