And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
