uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
