Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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