I think I died a long time ago.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
