Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
