my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
