just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
