my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
