Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
