My friends, they love my intelligence
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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