Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
