So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
