i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
