i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
