You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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